The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.