Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
@funTweeters
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂