[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Solving a traffic jam
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
he was correct
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
584.