I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Scream sneezers need love too.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
real
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it