Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Me as a therapist: omg same
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.