[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit