This trial is so absurd 😭
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I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Body by Oreos
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.