Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
this country is so goddamn polarized
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”