Whoa 😂
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
so much to do
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?