*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.