Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
You Might Also Like
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.