snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
this makes me so uncomfortable
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
#Caturday
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday