drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
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The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.