WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.