Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I am patiently waiting for your email
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”