Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?