My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Oh no
dutch so unserious
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Mood.. 😂
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.