Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
when someone compliments me
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Good point.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.