Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning