Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider