One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I already tried new things thanks.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
knights of the ikea table
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*