there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
You Might Also Like
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.