[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
You Might Also Like
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…