My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
We’ve all been there…
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.