MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.