When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.