It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.