ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism