Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
You learn something every day
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.