10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
This is a sub tweet
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.