I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Life cycle of cat
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
2023 was just a warmup
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*