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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*