*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.