Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
This makes total sense…
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.