Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Cats (2019)
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.