Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Vodka burrito was a success
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.