Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
You Might Also Like
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.