Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You Might Also Like
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
stop
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling