The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.