Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
You Might Also Like
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog