*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Thrilling chase underway
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’