Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
wish me luck lads
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Hitlers gonna hitl
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
english majors be like furthermore
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.