Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.