“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge