When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
✌️
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all