*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You Might Also Like
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
No selfies while hijacking a train.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.