The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why