19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[montage of me giving-up]
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst