I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain