[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
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I鈥檓 sorry for a lot of things but I鈥檓 not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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Morningbreath
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he鈥檚 on the toilet or if it鈥檚 a one way street
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
What number SPF blocks people?
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.